My_Personal_Statement_for_Gordon-Conwell

Praise be to God I Was Shown Mercy

The last time when I shared my conversion testimony in public, I chose this passage to witness the salvation and transformation I have experienced in Christ:            

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life” (1Tim. 1:15-16). 

It became my conviction because I know I am beloved by Christ and compelled to love others.

However, I must confess that for the first time when I heard of the Great Commission, I have not lived a life worthy of the calling. Instead, I struggled through sexual desires and committed adultery. With strong distress, shame, and guilt, I used to doubt myself and asked the Lord whether the calling was as true as what I first heard. I pleaded to the Lord many times to remove this unpleasant memory. Yet, what God answered Paul was also true to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness …” Many times I related myself with the woman weeping at Jesus’ feet, experienced her great gratitude: many sins has been forgiven on the cross.

            My first earnest prayer came around the Christmas of 2001. It was a night when I was genuinely broken open alone in my bedroom. I felt very lost and regretful about my life. A year was passed after I came to the U.S. from Hong Kong. I did poor in school, messed up my dating relationship, and was very lost and hopeless for my future job and family. I used to smoke and hang out in bars with the “so-called friends”. In the valley of the shadow of death, I even had thought about committing suicide because there was no reason or meaning for me to live. Amazingly, the turning point came! For the first time, I sincerely asked: “God, if you really exist, please show me, help me and tell me the meaning of life.” Few months later, God answered my prayer! I was invited to play ping-pong at my current church by a “non-Christian friend”. Hereafter I began to join the high school fellowship and get to know more about Jesus. Now I know it was the Holy Spirit whom convicted me during that long night. I always keep this in mind that if Jesus did not secure me from committing suicide, I might not be still living today.

           

            The first time I heard God’s calling to full time ministry was on June 13^th, 2004, during the last message of the Personal Evangelism Training by Hong Kong Campus Crusade for Christ. It was my first trip going back to China after my baptism in the U.S. Preceding to the clear voice of Jesus’ calling from Acts 1:8 “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes…” I saw the growth of local churches in Hong Kong and God’s works in Mainland China. Through a visit to a 3-selfs church in Guangzhou, I saw hundreds of believers who need shepherds. From the sharing of a brother, I was told about the vision of “Back to Jerusalem” for the first time. After seeing all these happenings, I was touched and sensed the burden for God’s kingdom. I also had a chance to have a brief fellowship with Wing Lam, who was attending Gordon Seminary at that time. Through Wing, I came to understand some reasons for full time ministry and his personal journey. I even began to see him as a role model to follow Christ. Since then God gradually strengthened my faith by promises and confirmations that I received from my devotional time, evangelism training, examples and messages of good ministers, testimonies when sharing the Gospel, and discipleship training with my pastor, Johnny Chen. All these have enriched my understanding about the Great Commission. Now I know that it was according to His time and plan to call me when I was just nineteen.

When I returned from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary Discovery in 2009, this verse penetrated my heart as another promise and confirmation, “the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” (1Thes. 5:24) My heart was filled with peace and weeping in joy because of the comfort of God. Knowing that even though I was faithful-less, He is faithful. It was just as Andrew Morrow expounded in Absolute Surrender that “things impossible with men, possible with God. For God not only will, but also do”.  

 Ever since I became a child of God, I have had countless opportunities to serve in different occasions. In church, God trained me as a worship leader, treasurer, evangelism team function group member, and even as a cook. In fellowship, I was honored to serve as a committee member, group leader, recreationist, and president. Besides of home church, God also gave me the chance to serve as a staff at Camp Herald, president at Chinese Christian Fellowship on campus of Hunter College and CUNY College Gospel Camp, and as a street evangelist with New York Short Term Mission Team. I am very grateful that God gave me all these serving experiences. They helped me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses as His servant and the spiritual gifts that He has entrusted in me.

            Recently I have finished another spiritual gifts discovery test called, Wagner- Modified Houts Questionnaire, by Charles E. Fuller Institute. The tentative evaluation of my gifts is as follow.

My Dominant traits:

Giving, Mercy (indicated as 13 out of 15); Pastor, Evangelist (12 out of 15)

My Subordinate traits:

Teaching, knowledge, and Exhortation (below 12)

Compare to J. Robert Clinton’s Spiritual Gifts questionnaire which I have taken few years ago, I see a relevant report:

Teaching (17 out of 19); Knowledge (8 out of 9); Evangelism (9 out of 11)

Interestingly, Wagner Questionnaire also measured the more supernatural gifts, i.e. Miracles, Healing, Tongues, Interpretation, and Exorcism, which I received only 1 to 3 out of 15. Although the test itself has no intention to disclose one’s spiritual gifts or weakness, I personally evaluated that Discerning of Spirit, Leadership, and Celibacy (all 5 out of 15) are indeed my shortcoming that I have experienced while serving. I believe that understanding the down side is crucial, especially for ministers. A Chinese Philosopher, Sunzi once said, “Knowing one's own self and that of the enemy will not endanger in any battles”. Similar to Aristotle’s philosophy of life, “Know Thyself”. Thus, I learned that I must have a holistic growth in reading the Bible, reading God, reading myself, reading books, reading people, and reading problems. Praise God for Paul’s good will, “consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Phi.3:8).  

            
        In light of the traits of conflict management, I tend to be the Accommodator and Avoider according to Jay Hall’s Conflict Management Survey. I agree that it is true in recognizing my weakness as unassertive and uncooperative. The problem is described as, “the individual does not immediately pursue his own concerns or those of the other person. He or she does not address the conflict. Avoiding might take the form of diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation.” Then I realize that I would create more troubles and conflicts if I choose to avoid. I pray that with the power of the Holy Spirit, I will be continuously transforming into a collaborator who is “both assertive and cooperative, the opposite of avoiding…”

    

When I am reflecting about my desire to pursue theological education, I thank God for bringing my whole family to the Untied States. Before I heard God’s calling in 2004, I did not know the purpose for immigrating to America and even not having any reason for surviving. But now I understand. God gave me a valuable opportunity to be educated here and be able to better equip in Theology. At this point, the future professional and vocational goals are not very clear to me. However, my goals for seminary education are to seek God’s specific calling, to deepen the relationship with Jesus, to surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit, to gain better understanding of the Bible, and to have the training to read, teach, and preach God’s words more effectively. “Building up yourselves on your most holy faith” (Jud.20)

My professional goals at this point are: 1. To glorify God with genuine faith, biblical hopes, and agape love. 2.To enjoy Him in completing each class reading and assignments promptly. 3. To lay a biblical foundation for full time ministry with disciplined habits and routine. 4. To imitate and learn from the pastors and professors as they follow Christ. 5. To be perseverant against any difficulties, obstacles, and weakness.

        
        My vocational goals at this point are: 1. To obey His commends- “Love the Lord… Make Disciples…” 2. To start with Youth Ministry. 3. To learn to be a good shepherd to little sheep. 4.To continue to read, teach, and preach as Paul told Timothy, I will pass the torch. 5. To develop Christian Education teaching and assessment resource for the Chinese churches.

To conclude, I want to praise God with the lyric from Amazing Grace,

            “I once was lost, but now I am found;

            Was Blind, but now I see.”